Scared of the future #1

Today was the last day of school in the second to last grade before graduation. Which basically means I will graduate next year. And a thing that’s been haunting me for quite a time now is fear of the future.

I’m a very indecisive kid. I’ve always been, when my dad went shopping with me when I was young, I was so indecisive that I couldn’t decide for a toy and always ended up not getting one at all. And I fear that this is happening again. I have to decide what I want to do with my life soon, and choosing a job to me is like choosing a lifelong commitment. It’s such a big choise, so how can a 17 year old girl choose something like that? The problem again is not, that I don’t have any ideas what I want to do. Boy, back to the child story, I wanted so many things in the toy store. The problem is that I want it all. I want a job where I can travel, be creative, work with languages, make money, have freetime, be outside, safe, do sports, have a career and find a purpose. But nothing is perfect in this world, and there is no perfect job. Which means I have to set priorities. And I’m afraid of setting the wrong ones.

But the job issue isn’t the only thig triggering my future fears. It’s also the fear of losing all my friends. Going to University means that diffrent people with diffrent dreams will split up. We won’t see each other everyday at school anymore. There are no breaks, where we goof around and share our food, or laugh about the latest televison series. And I so despertly don’t want to lose that. I wouldn’t describe myself as the nicest or most outgoing person and yet I have friends who accept me for who I am, with all my flaws. I fear that I won’t be able to do it again. At the same time, what kind of friend am I to doubt that our friendship won’t last over seperation and diffrent paths? I am a realist. And to see my mum, dad, uncles and aunts, adults in general, I know that nothing will ever be as it was before.

Change is inevitable in life and I’m running away from it and trying to cope with it resulting in anxiety and depressions. That’s the things that are keeping me up at night.

I want to o a gap year after school, not sure which country yet. Nothing seems sure in my life, while my friends seem to have it all planned out. Where is my plan?  When I was thinking about ‘what is the right thing to do’, I actually googled about the topic and found a very interesting article. It said something along the lines of “People aren’t afraid of not doing the right thing. doing the right thing means wanting the best outcome possible in a choise, but what is the best outcome?” That made me think, because all my life I had ups and downs, struggles and good days. And all my struggles are what made me me, what shaped my personality, my lifestyle and everything. So is struggle even a bad thing? Maybe I shouldn’t be so afraid of change but gladly welcome it into my life? The thing about growing up and making your own choises – while you will never kow where you will end up in life…

I told myself to at leats try and not be afraid, but rather daring. Choose in the moment and not dwell in my thoughts for so long. I know that when I trigger my anxiety, it’s usually because I’m overthinking stuff. But life doesn’t always give you time to overthink, it’s so short. So I will try to just jump into it in my oh-so-unsure future.

10 Reasons why dyed hair is better

Because I’m a small pipsqueak in the universe with no life I’ll give you 10 reasons y colourful dyed hair is better.

1. You’re tumblr
2. Your Pinterest
3. You’re now slaying
4. You’re maby slaying on galaxy (hair) level
5. You don’t need to wash you’re hair too often
6. Your hair doesn’t need to have a place, the colour’ll distract from it
7. You can tell people that’s your real hair colour, you’re actually a unicorn trapped in a humans’ body.
8. You’re cute
9. You’re so animuuu
10. You fucked mainstream

… Why don’t I have dyed hair yet?

ALSO YoU ThOUgt I’D foRGet Dem PiNTerEst ImAGEs?!!

The thing with drifting apart

Life is a tough piece of shit and because I’m a weird kid with trust issues I’mma complain about it on the internet.

Lately life is a bitch to me again. I thought I overcame my anxiety and trust issues 3 years ago (when I met new friends, started doing the things I love and accepted myself for the first time) but no. It’s the worst lately. I’m building up the walls again that I thought I wrecked down (Where’s the wrecking ball I’m supposed to swing around naked and break down walls lol…not lol).

So what started it? I have two best friends. We always did everything together, one goes into another class, but we would meet up after school or hang around in the breaks. But I feel like we started to kinda drift apart. Yesterday was our traditional meetup (we always do this 3 times a year, eat Sushi and go shopping). It was the worst. You could already tell on the train ride to the city, we didn’t talk at all, having nothing to talk about. When we arrived and went shopping the girl that goes to my class (let’s call her Cas) and me started to shop like crazy, spending way to much time with it and forgetting a bit about the other girl (Kat for now) So Kat sat there with here phone while we were having fun. I sat down next to her once, because I finished paying before Cas and she sadly said “I guess I don’t like to go shopping anymore” I flinched. So when we were eating at the Sushi place I felt left out. Cas and Kat talked about that band they like. Just this topic and I sat there like ‘Yeah…haha…I don’t know what you talk about but I’mma smile ok?’. There were more scenes like this all day, only two talking, all giving all the silent treatment, it was the worst. The next day Kat started talking about it “Hey..yesterday wasn’t that great” but in the end we didn’t talk at all again.

But at some point I realized it was’t because of me or their personality. It was because we started to drift apart. And you can’t really stop drifting apart. You can’t say ‘Oh wait right there, and you like that thing so we can talk about it’ or something like this. And that got me, because unstoppable like this I’ve been starting to lose my one and only so-called best friends. Who am I without my friends? Am I gonna be alone one day? Because my biggest fear is beeing left alone, I’ve been left by so many people and realizing I was losing the most importand people in my life again (apart from my family) did hurt. It hurts, and whenever something hurts and I can’t deal with it I built up walls and shut myself down even more.

I don’t remember the last time I freely smiled this month.

Friend/School/Life Rant

I was just so close to a panic attack right now, I just opened my computer and am now smashing on the keyboard nearly crying idk.

I am well aware that the things I complain about are nothing compared to the issues a 12 year old Girl in Syria, that lost her parents might have, but it are issues to me and they make me feel so uncomfortable, alone and anxious. I think I was the closest I ever was to so many Panic attacks this week that I just feel so psychically drained and tired, I just want to curl into a ball and cry.

The thing that just bought me to the verge of panicing today was something very simple. My best friend texted me “Oh PS: I got the shoes” ‘the shoes’ she was refering to were the prom shoes I showed her because I wanted to have them. The prom shoes I dreamed of, I tried on, the shoes my dad won’t buy me because they are too expenisve and it’s to early for me to buy the shoes for prom ( Not that I want to go to prom in first place that’s a thing my mother set up bc she wants to see me communicateing with guys) These very shoes of my dreams I won’t be walking in for prom, but my best friend will. I feel so selfish to be bothered by that, but it’s not only this issue that makes me wanna cry lately.

My grades also dropped quite a lot this week, not my math grades I’ve always been bad at math, but my grades in English and Italian. The two subjects I’ve always been good at. To me it felt so horrible to read on your paper that you’re obviously bad at the things you thought you were good at. Like what am I good for then in school if not for math and now languages? Also my parents put a great pressure on me when it comes to grades, so, of course, not only my mind scolded me, no, also my parents screamed at me for my grades. Makes you feel kind of worthless.

I also feel kind of left out lately, I feel that I’m building up a barrier around me again. I don’t want my friends to know how hurt I feel at some of their Actions, and put on fake smiles when I go to school. It’s just the way I am, it would feel wrong to me if I said “No you can’t buy these shoes, please” or “Hey can we stop talking about this band”

Yeah next on ‘this band’. So I have two best friends and up until now we always had the same interests and went along perfectly. But now the two of them are obsessing over this band I don’t seem to get into at all. I tried, I really tried but I simply don’t like the music they make, or the members. So know when they talk about this band and fangirl all day at school I just sit there and smile, pretending it doesn’t bother me, while it does. I feel like I’m standing still while everybody is moving on, finding new interests and friends. I watch them from behind, smiling, but actually crying.

I feel so selfish. So selfish, silly, envious, jealous, cruel…

I can’t find something that makes me smile lately. I don’t seem to be doing anything right.

 

So. Yeah. That’s it. Writing about it actually calmed me down a bit. Tonight there’s a party of my friends’ I have to attend to. Well I’m gonna smile *sights*

What Italy means to me

So, to start this post I want to add that I’m in fact NOT Italian, so anything I might tell you about Italy could be a lie made up by my oblivious mind. Okay. Way to start a post with positive feelings.

Italy means a lot to me. If I say that English is my soul, than Italian is my heart. And not just because I’ve been studying it at school for 3 years now. The Italian culture is so very diffrent from my own Lifestyle, or so I feel. It’s loud, open-hearted, flashing, emotional, friendly,… . I think I could never describe it, you’d have to find out by traveling there and living it. Last year I visited Italy two times, once at a school exchange and the other time with my grandma. Especially at the school exchange I came to love this country so very much. I had been living in the apartment of my exchange partner with her family. It was very small, stuffed with furniture but they were all so friendly. They always wanted me to eat more until I couldn’t stand straight anyomre. I didn’t once complain about the food, even though it often was too salty for my own taste. After school my exchange partner and her friends always hung out at the infamous “Piazzas”, eating ice cream or simply talking to oneanother.

This is what I really love about Italy. This easyness with wich the Italian take everything, the warmth of having your friends and family around, the breeze of the cold night air when you’re sitting at a Piazza till 2 am talking and laughing. And of course the smell of food when you return home.

I don’t own that easyness the Italian have, I wish I had it, but even if it was just for one moment, in that week I lived there I kinda feeled it. And it was awsome.

So the moral  of the story:  Live like an Italian sometimes. Just hug your friends and eat ice cream, go outside and talk until 2am under the nightsky. It’ll be worth it, I promise.

Hello

So…hi. I guess that’s what you say when you start a bog. Or well, actually I don’t know because that’s my first blog ever. I wanted to get into blogging for the longest time (way to go Hanny, ruin this language by using the word ‘blog’ too often) but I always thought like “Nahh” or “Who’ll even would want to read the stuff you write?!” So, uhm, I still think nobody would actually read this, so let’s just say I’ll write for myself from here on. I’m just gonna rant about my life or share my thoughts here on the Internet, simply because I can.

So, hi, I’m the weird Girl that likes Anime and Manga, enjoys Fashion, spends too much time on tumblr, draws, dances and listens to punk rock. Yeah, the Girl with the weird curly hair who likes reading and writing (*caught* fanfics *caugh*) and making Videos, I sure as hell won’t be sharing with anyone but my very best friends. The Girl, that gets a bad grade in Latin and Math and seems to enjoy Art and Languages more. Yeah that Girl is blogging now, please don’t mind, I’m just minding my own buisness.

Wow I Sound rude for the anxious Person I am. But I guess that’s okay too.

Sooo…Hi 🙂